Burn the Mother Effin' Ships
I have actually been on this journey for much longer than a year. I've struggled with my drinking for about 15 years. For 15 years I have "tried" to quit drinking. I had some stretches of sobriety but I always relapsed. Probably because I was going at it all wrong, in all those scenarios I was nothing more than a dry drunk. I was only focusing on not drinking and feeling sorry for myself that I was an "alcoholic". It felt unfair and it pissed me off. So I kept trying to moderate to somehow prove I didn't have a problem with alcohol.
Fast forward to around 2019 when I found Recovery Elevator podcast which led me to an online sober community and my entire life changed. Recovery Elevator and Paul Churchill taught me so much about how to live a life alcohol-free. In a nutshell for over 15 years I was asking myself the wrong question. The question is not "Am I an alcoholic?" The REAL, life changing question is "What purpose does alcohol serve in my life?". The goal is not to not drink. The goal is to love your life so much you don't need to drink. I read books, lots of them, and I started meditating. I learned WHY I drank in the first place. I replaced bad habits with better habits. I'm still learning, healing, and growing. The best part of all is that this is what I get to do every single day and I love it! I am a better wife, mom, daughter, friend, and co-worker.
But I did not - could not - do all of this alone. I had a tremendous support system in my online sober community. I have made so many friends all across the world that have helped see me through this journey. I have learned that the opposite of addiction is connection and hands down the connections I have made with my sober peeps is the essence of why I am sober today.
I can't talk about my sobriety without highlighting the importance of my family. My family is the most important thing to me. They are my WHY. Why I made the decision to ditch the booze. Why I work everyday to be a better version of myself. The reason why I continue on this journey. Their love and support has helped through some really tough times in this journey.
This journey is not easy. In fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is so rewarding and I am filled with gratitude and joy for having found my way. All this time I thought drinking was the problem. Drinking was the symptom. The problem was my ability to cope and feel. I was unable to handle any feelings…sad, mad, happy, lonely…all were cause for me to drink. And eat. And shop. I have quit drinking and I have learned to feel all the feels. I have lost 20 pounds and gained a new perspective on life.
"I was lost but now I am found"
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